Finding Myself

I feel like this topic regularly enter my Blog brain, but I finally have the words to articulate my thoughts.

Being a Mom it is really easy to lose your identity to your kids. Being a wife and Mom, it pretty much doubles! Well, for me at least. My life is my kids and husband. And it makes me really proud and happy most days. But every now and again, like today, I will play the "What If" game.... which all of us know that we have said once in our Mom life, but rarely admit. What if, I would have finished school first? What if, I go back to school now.... Will I be ditching my kids, What If I regret it later? Ugh it is a torturess game that only one person knows the answer to. So why do we, Why do I do it???? I think it is getting caught in a moment where you let the stress consume, you feel defeated and you let the "What Ifs" take over. It's a crappy place to be, really.

So rising above the What ifs and being grateful for all of the blessings I DO have is the next step. It usually happens when I hear the sweet laugh of one of my kids or an "I love you Mommy" moment. I love, adore, obsess over my kids and would never change anything about the way ANY of the 3 of them arrived.

BUT I will say, I have lost myself. I have lost myself in my kids. What is it I like to do? What I do I want to do with my life? Does it even matter. I think this is where someone will be saying to the computer screen, "It's the sacrafice we make as Moms" Yes Yes Yes, I know. But what about all of us that have Moms of our own that Did it all. Call them SuperMoms. They did it all FOR their kids and themselves too. Gosh, it is such a fine line that I am really struggling with.

So I get this idea in my head that I will go to Real Estate school, and I was thrilled. Until I realized I wasn't thrilled to be going to Real Estate school pursay, I was excited about going to school, getting out there doing something for myself... about expanding my brain. But really is this what I want? Is that what I really wanted for myself. Well, I don't know. What I do want is to go to Nursing school. Pursue my dreams. It's a weird goal that will not leave my head. And I am thinking it is for a reason. Usually when we have an urge to do something that pushes on... it's constant, its nagging, it is something bigger than us encouraging us to our calling.... what we are here on earth to do. But clearly I am also here to be a Mom and raise beautiful, smart, talented girls.

So Instead maybe the lesson I need to learn is I need to be a Mom and still pusrsue my dreams..... just be patient. I am bad at being patient. And there have been times before where my hyperness about things has gotten me into trouble. And Hello of course I don't want to be hyper about my kids getting a little older just so I can go to school, because the thought of it really is sad.

Long story short.... I need to go back to school, but WHEN?? When are my kids going to be able to not need me as much as they do now, for about a 2 year period of their life, while I devote my brain to school. Your kids ALWAYS need you. So how did those Super Moms we talked of earlier do it? How do we do it? How do I do it?

Being Everything is hard.... but I am determined to get there. I am hyper for a reason. Because someday I will turn it into energy to be there for my husband, for my three girls, and to be a nurse.

I need to find myself. I just don't know when is the right time. But at some point I have to quit living through my kids.... because that my friends is How you turn into a Crazy Dance, Pageant, Soccer Mom who pushes her kids too far. And nobody wants to be "that" mom, right???????????

Also... Go check out KARLA's blog for her cute apron giveaway! I am being LAZY so just click on Karla and Porter on my side bar :)