WARNING: this is going to be a food/weight post

I know, I know.... lame right. I promised a while ago I wouldn't blog again about weight dilemmas.

But I mean seriously.... I am a woman, Whatya want from me?

Ok, so I was going to get on tonight and blog about an idea I had to tribute Thursdays--- (Yes I know it is wednesday) to "Thursdays Thoughts" but I knew good and well that one thought was going to swallow the post. So whatev. I'll just go there. And if this isn't your forte' than you can check out riiiightttt......now.

Preface: Yes, I struggle with food. I am aware of it. I try hard not to pass it to my kids. I know I am not fat... even though I will frequently say I "feel" like I am. out of shape maybe, but I know I sholdn't make light of the word FAT. It just is a constant battle in my head of sick mind/well mind.... what I feel and what I know. So here we go.
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Last night I actually caught myself pacing the kitchen debating on whether or not to have a bowl of yummy Rocky Road ice cream.... I had dinner and there was no reason I should have wanted dessert, right? I kept waiting for Clint to say "Hey let's have some ice cream babe." Ummmmm but no. Have I ever told you Clint hates sweets? Seriously, yeah.... I live with him! Then I thought I really can't have Ice cream because clint will probably look at me like "Woa there.... didn't we just eat???"

So I did it. I let my insecurity surface and asked him the most retarded question that has ever surfaced my lips.

"Babe will you still think I am hot after I wolf down a bowl of ice cream?"
Oh my gosh Im embarassed to even RE say it. Why would I even care what he thought? Who the heck cares? I mean really. {I do}

He looked at me the way I thought he would and said "Yeah..... we'll probably never do it again." {We all know that is sarcasm} The man would croak without IT after about 24 hours. I mean look at all of these kids I have running around, surely not MY fault. Anyways..........
I laughed and said Thanks Boo. Made a bowl of ice cream. And it was freakin Bomb.com! Made my night.

Before I went to bed I did a handful of crunches and jumping jacks to even the playing field.

It's evil I tell ya. The Ice cream controlled my night.

So now today the saga continues. I had some eggs for breakfast, Cafe Rio for lunch, a St. PAT cookie, and a few pizza rolls for dinner. After dinner..... I knew I couldn't sit down and indulge once again in my guilty pleasure. I didn't need it two nights in a row and I knew that. I already had a super sugary cookie today. But instead I was like a machine, pretending to be casual, Like I hadn't been obsessing all day about NOT EATING THE ICE CREAM.

SO what did I do? I got a spoon. Got the carton. and took 3 bites. Perfect! {not really}

I don't know if Clint was pretending not to notice or didn't notice at all... but after he walked away--- probably to pee IDK, in my head it was for other reasons--- I thought of a movie called "Someone Like You" with Ashley Judd, Hugh Jackman, and Greg Kinnear.

I remembered the part where Hugh Jackman talks of how he was turned off by a woman he brought home because she ate Ice Cream out of the carton. So it makes me think that somewhere out there, there are these stigmas. And Ashley Judd goes off. Defending the woman. Bringing ideas to the table such as..... Maybe she didn't want to dirty a bowl, maybe she didn't have dinner, maybe she just wanted to take one bite... and who is a man to critique her actions. For sure Clint had to have been having a Hugh Jackman moment, right? {Probably not}

So now all kidding and humor aside I will openly admit that there are times in my life when food completely CONTROLS me. Like a crack addict {Kinda} I cannot stop thinking about it until I finally cave and HAVE it. And even when I try my hardest to just avoid it.... that's when the crazy thoughts come in---- like "you won't be Hot to your husband anymore" "Most People don't eat ice cream after dinner--- only me"

It's weird. Like freakin posessed weird. Seriously I mean after everything I have been through.... How do I not know how to get myself back in check??? Why are Unhealthy thoughts running wild. Why am I trying to justify that is ok to eat to get the taste and then eliminate via excercise or other means just to maintain my figure.

It's awful. I want to remove my head from my shoulders, shake it around.... Tap on one ear to get all of the awfulness out the other and then reattach to shoulders.

But you know Me... I keep chugging along doing things I was put on earth to do. Be the best Mom I can be, Be a good wife and daughter, Keep it real, and be honest about my struggles. I think we may have been given struggles for a reason. To learn. To be strong. To teach. So I blog it. I keep it real. I tell anyone who wants to listen about it. Because just maybe one of these times thru typing- I might just get it. I may just have a light bulb moment. But until then I vow to blog my rough patches right out of my system. Writing, or typing rather, truly is medicine!